Even though he's only hypothetically asking for his hand in marriage, Jon still seems oddly scorned by Matt's swift rejection.

(00:32)

If Michael Bolton's a guilty pleasure, then Jon doesn't want to be innocent. (00:55)

Why, they're just GIVING away healthcare in Europe. You only have to pay shipping and handling. Sickos.

(00:53)

What do Tom Jones, Andrew W.K., sportscaster Brent Musburger, and rainbows have in common? Absolutely nothing.

(00:45)

You know what's depressing? The realization that in a few years, we'll be groaning to our kids "Back in my day, MTV played actual music videos." (00:23)

Now that everybody and their mother has their own Myspace Music page, isn't it about time we added a "Gong" feature to the site?

(00:57)

Let's see Jesus make the Statue Of Liberty disappear on national TV. Yeah, I didn't think so.

(00:19)

Best thing about being Batman - you fucking rock at everything you do. Worst thing - fighting off constant advances from Dracula.

(00:27)

With the industry shifting, what do major labels have to do to stay afloat? I'll give you a hint, it ends in "et their heads out of their asses."

(00:27)

Doctors say you should only Q-Tip your ears once or twice a week, but who listens to those rich sons of bitches anyway? Swab away! (00:30)